April fools day is fitting… today is the day my father passed away in 2004. Nearly 20 years ago, and a man I don’t remember meeting ever and every year this day comes and the same feeling descends upon me. How do I mourn a man I’ve never met but that is a part of my genetic makeup?
There are things about me that are absolute signs of his DNA, not only physical looks but who I am as a person. It is strange. I have learned bits and pieces, & seen a few photographs over the years. After his death I learned about an uncle and a couple of cousins that I never knew about. Ironically we stay in touch more than cousins I have known my whole life. They’ve made an effort and shown interest in who I am as a human and I think they understand how I’ve chosen to live my life as there are flashes of my father in my lifestyle.
I never thought much about inherited traits and if choices in life are more predetermined fate or actual choices determining one’s path until post 2004. Like I mentioned, I knew nothing of this man, his family or who they were. I was a floral designer and event producer in NYC when I learned of his passing. Old school style, my mother called because a friend of hers from high school called her because someone told her brother at the gas station they owned that my father had died. Talk about “what the hell am I supposed to do with this information?!” feelings.
It was early aughts and the internet was not what it is now but I searched… and I found he had a brother. & I called his place of work. Yep. I had to leave a message with the person who answered the phone… and so I did. I didn’t know if I would get a call back. I did. & I went on to meet him and his family and as I mentioned we’ve stayed in touch.
I learned that not only did my father work at a florist when he was younger but so did his sister her whole life. He went to agricultural school. I also learned that my father was a commercial fisherman and lived an incredibly nomadic life. There was more but these two things shook me. We always joked about being in the floral/event industry in NYC… if you chose it you were nuts, if you were born into it that was another story. I always thought I chose it… but maybe it chose me. What are the chances, to find out after 20+ years in an industry that it was actually a part of your family story.
For years I would feel a bit aimless on this day. Over time and reflection I have gained a different perspective but I still wrestle with how to mourn someone I’ve never met but that is a part of the fabric of who I am. Wether or not he was an active participant in my upbringing there are clear signs of his being in who I am as a human. So April Fools…I am not joking but who gets the last laugh here or perhaps it is more of a hmmmm. Before I left NC I told mom to hold her shit together and under no circumstances could she check out on April 1st. We had a laugh ( remember we have a dark sense of humor ) and she said she would do her best.
Update: Mom held it together.
Minding Mom. 